Divorcing a Narcissist is hard for a few reasons:
Divorcing a narcissist is so hard for a few reasons. Leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist can take every once of energy you have. And, you will feel so relieved to finally get away. You hope that you can quickly file for divorce and then begin your healing journey to a better life. All who’ve experienced this, know it is not that simple.
No one sees it coming or understands post-separation abuse. It will seem to appear out of nowhere, flying at you from all directions. The narcissist will use various tactics to continue to harass & stalk you, control you, stay in contact with you, manipulate you, gaslight you, and further abuse you. Post-separation abuse is apart of what is termed coercive control.
This blindsides so many victims sending them reeling back into more trauma. It is hard to come to grips with this kind of abuse, which most victims will say is way worse than the abuse they suffered during the relationship.
It becomes difficult to wrap your head around why this individual seems hell bent on destroying you and is why divorcing a narcissist is so hard. You may wonder how in the world you are ever going to get through this. There will be days ahead that it may seem just too much to handle. AND, I’m sure you are worried sick over how this will affect your kids and how to keep them safe. You hope you will be able to find help through the court system thinking that once you are able to share what the narcissist has done to you and your children, the court professionals will surround you, protect you, and understand you.
But you are afraid of the whole process and what the narcissist may be capable of.
The narcissist will use the children as pawns in his game against you. It is all about controlling you and manipulating you. The courtroom becomes his stage where he is more often believed over you, the victim of his abuse. He will try taking as much custody away from you as possible. You may ask yourself, “Why would he ever do that?” “He has never had a good relationship with the kids. In fact, he avoids them if he can.”
Exactly. A narcissist doesn’t try to gain as much custody of the children as he can because he is a great dad and WANTS to be with his children.
No.
A lot of them try to gain as much custody as possible for 3 main reasons:
1. Maintaining their Image
2. Money
3. Getting Revenge
The narcissist wants the court and the public to SEE that he is a great father and wants his kids in his life as much as possible.
We know the hidden agenda though.
What he really wants is to have his image as being the great father portrayed for all to see, but when he actually has his kids, they are either pawned off on grandma (his mother), his newest fling, or a sitter. Because he doesn’t ACTUALLY want them. They become an inconvenience for him. He has not bothered with developing a good relationship with any of his children. It is all about building and maintaining the highest of image he can mostly by tearing you down to pieces.
Money is another hot button of a narcissist. He will want as much custody of the children as possible so that his child support to you will be greatly reduced. That’s it. Plus, he cannot stand the fact that he has to pay YOU for his kids. They love it even more if they get so much custody that YOU must pay him child support. The narcissist loves to share that with everyone they know and will smear you in the process. They will brag and brag about how YOU have to pay HIM. How you are a terrible mother since the judge gave him more custody than you.
Revenge. At the base level of the narcissist’s purpose in all this is to get revenge on you for leaving him and taking his kids away from him, financially ruining him, making him “look” bad, etc., etc. They will do whatever hurts you the most, which we know is the kids. The way to drive a dagger straight through any mom’s heart is to take her kids away from her.
In Conclusion:
For these reasons, divorcing a narcissist can be so hard. However, it is possible to maintain balance, boundaries, and sanity when going through this. Getting the right help is crucial. A good support team can carry you through each court appearance and each interaction with the narcissist. No one should have to face this kind of a divorce alone. Educate yourself on who you are dealing with and gather the right people who will sustain you.
See our main page for building your team.
