The Impact of the High Conflict Divorce on Religion
How Divorce Impacts the Faithful
Are you a faithful, religious person who wants to follow your beliefs and personal moral compass, but have found yourself at the crossroads between facing a divorce caused by abuse and the religious dilemma that getting a divorce is wrong and should never be considered?
There have been a lot of questions that have come up regarding this topic and I felt the need to address it. I am not here to bash religion in any way. On the contrary. I’m also not here to get into any religious debates on doctrine. That is not what this blog is about.
I am a very faithful, religious person and I love my church. I just feel it may benefit you to hear from my perspective and experience, which is Christian based.
So, if you are in this camp take a moment with me as we unpack this topic together.
Most of us who are religious and have faith in a Higher Being, take our religion very seriously and have probably made personal commitments, promises, or even sacred covenants to obey God’s word. Some of us have been taught since we were little that one of God’s words that we need to follow is that divorce is wrong and should be avoided. We were taught that God ordained marriage from the beginning.
I know I struggled with this concept for a long time before my divorce. So much so, that I would not even entertain the idea of divorce. I just felt that my abusive marriage was my trial or lot in life. Something I would just have to endure.
The High Conflict Marriage
My Story
Part of my problem was I didn’t even realize that what I was experiencing was, in fact, abuse. So, I stayed in my abusive marriage for a long time . . . 23 ½ years. I endured years of verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. I didn’t know this behavior fell under the umbrella of “abuse”. There was physical abuse but I did not recognize it because it hadn’t left me bleeding or bruised. It wasn’t until many years later when the physical abuse left bruises that I finally recognized that this behavior wasn’t ok. I knew my marriage was over.
Because I did not understand exactly what abuse was during all those years, I stayed thinking that if I could just be good enough or change enough so I would not upset him, then things would get better. I believed that because I wasn’t perfect either and appreciated second chances and forgiveness, that I needed to offer my abusive ex the same chances and forgiveness…. “70 times 7”.
Why Victims Stay
We victims so often stay in these terrible situations leaning heavily on our faith to get us through in order to keep the family intact. This is good and right. But not healthy at all and not what God wants.
I know there are some victims out there that stay because they feel they’ll go to hell if they leave and get a divorce. This sometimes is compounded by their abuser who will use their victim’s faith as a weapon to maintain control and power over them. This is religious abuse and not something that is talked about a lot. It is truly heart-breaking. Which is why I am writing about this in hopes of helping others gain clarity and perspective.
The faithful want to please their Father in Heaven and want to do the right thing, not only for themselves, but for their families and loved ones. They desire to become what God wants them to become and to help others do the same.
But, Think about this . . .
How can anyone who is being abused verbally, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, physically, etc. have the capacity and ability to truly become what God wants her or him to become?
AND . . . how can an abuser have the chance to really change, if it’s even possible, if there are no true consequences for their behavior? For example, the victim expressing that they will no longer tolerate being treated this way, then leave and take the children with them.
Anyone who understands this will tell you the answer is an unequivocal, “No, they can’t”. And they are right.
(I am in NO way suggesting it is the victim’s fault the abuser isn’t changing. What I am saying is that sometimes a disruption in the toxic family dynamic that abusers have created can “shock” the abuser into getting the help they need to begin to change. One caveat to that is, those abusive individuals with personality disorders are statistically highly unlikely to make any lasting change. But that lends to all the more reason to leave before someone gets seriously hurt.)
God does not expect us, his precious sons and daughters, to stay with someone who hurts and abuses them in any manner; whether it’s verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, religious, physical, or sexual abuse. God weeps with us when we weep.
Free Agency
I know God values our own free agency above all else. Victims of abuse have had their free agency diminished greatly by their abuser. Everything they think, do, and say is all about appeasing their abuser and trying to keep the peace.
Victims live in a survival, trauma state where it becomes very hard for them to even hear God’s voice in their life. I have heard from many that it wasn’t until they got out from under the abuse and healed from the trauma they suffered, that they finally felt they could begin hearing the Spirit of the Lord again. But they willingly admit that looking back, they could see God’s hand in their life helping and guiding them along the way. They just couldn’t see it at the time while in the middle of their trauma.
Trauma wreaks havoc on our brains and our capacity to be in a state of mind receptive to the Spirit of God. It’s not always the case but does affect some victims of trauma. Which is so sad. It would be very easy, and understandable, why some come to believe that God has abandoned them. But he hasn’t. It’s the trauma.
What is God’s Meaning Behind Divorce?
I believe that when God talks about the wrongfulness of divorce, he is talking more about regular people who just give up on each other in their marriages and don’t stay committed to one another. He is talking about those who don’t take care of their marriage. They claim to have fallen out of love with each other or they have simply become bored and decide to divorce.
He is not talking about staying in an abusive marriage at all.
So, no, I do not believe you are condemned for divorcing an abusive spouse.
The Savior, Jesus Christ, Heals.
If Jesus was here, He would rescue you from that situation right away. That is who He is, the ultimate Rescuer. He would remove you from harm, clean your wounds, and heal your soul. And, you know what? He can still do that for each of us today.
The most wonderful and beautiful gift He has given us is His ability to heal every sin, every pain, every sorrow, and every wound we experience here on earth. He did this for us through His Atoning Sacrifice in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross.
We can rely on His help, His mercy, and His justice while we walk the difficult road of the high conflict divorce.
You are not condemned for divorcing an abusive spouse but are healed and rescued through the Savior’s blood. Turn to Him and continue to walk His path. He is mighty to save!
Below you can read my church’s position on abuse which comes from The Lord, Himself, found in Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:42, and Luke 17:2.
(KJV – New Testament)
My church has said: “….abuse cannot be tolerated in any form and that those who abuse will be accountable before God. The Lord expects us to do everything we can to prevent abuse and to protect and help victims. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior.”
“Leaders, family members, and friends should make every effort to stop abuse, find safety for the victim, and help the victim seek healing.”
Read the full policy HERE.
Matthew 18:6: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”
(KJV – New Testament)
Conclusion
My plea to all of you who are in this situation of facing a divorce from an abusive spouse, pray to God for guidance and answers. He will tell you what you should do. Sometimes His answers are Yes, sometimes No, and sometimes Wait. No matter what answer you get do not lose faith in Him or His plan for you. God is ALWAYS working for our good. With our limited, narrow vision we cannot see all that He sees. If we will be patient, trust in Him, and be obedient, He will shape and mold us into who we were always meant to become. We then can fulfill our Godly potential as righteous heirs to His kingdom. Remember change occurs through the fiery furnace of affliction. But He will not leave us to experience the heat alone. He will come and rescue us.
