Handling the Parent Time Switch Meltdown.
I remember wondering what the heck was going on with my kids every time they would come home from their dad’s house. It’s like they had to have a 2 day De-tox just to be functional again.
Have you dealt with this?
Dealing with our kids’ difficult behavior after visits with their abusive parent can be so incredibly challenging. However, I’ve found that by using a combination of calmness, structure, and professional support, you can create a more stable and nurturing environment for them.
**So . . . . REMEMBER, this is not about YOU.** Don’t take your children’s behavior personally.
It is so common for children to act out after spending time with an abusive parent, as they may be dealing with confusion, stress, or manipulation. All the lies, trash talking, putting them in the middle, etc. that the abusive parent is doing, really wreaks havoc on their developing brains, not to mention, any abuse still happening.
Our children struggle so much with divorce and the behavior of our exes. They struggle with having different sets of rules at two different homes and with grieving the loss of their family unit.
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They struggle with what their abusive parent is telling them about you and the divorce. It is highly stressful and confusing for them. They don’t know how to handle all of this, because they still love both of you.
So when you are baffled by their behavior, think about how high your stress level is and multiply that exponentially. This is what it can feel like for them.
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They will blame you and act out around you because you are a safe place for them to release all their pent-up emotions. They know they can let go and be themselves at your home and so you get to witness all of this.
You will need to really manage your mind around this and see it for what it is . . . a good thing. It’s good because you know your child(ren) feel safe to be themselves and let their emotions flow out around you and in your home. They know you truly have their back, you will not abuse them, and you are safe for them. You are allowing them to release the pressure they feel inside, like steam being released from a pressure cooker.
This doesn’t mean we let them misbehave or break things. It’s all about managing the situation.
What Can You Do to Prepare Yourself for the Parent Time Switch?
It’s crucial that you plan time for yourself prior to your children coming home after being with their other parent. You must manage your expectations around them coming home, accept reality, and remember you are their safe place.
Spend time doing something you enjoy that is calming. You could also try meditation, breathing exercises, or grounding techniques. Schedule this time into your calendar before your children arrive. Make this a priority and you will see the difference this makes.
For more ideas on activities you can try, CLICK HERE.
Lastly, and above all else, be compassionate with yourself, the situation, and your children.
7 steps you can take to help you avoid the parent time switch meltdown.
1. Stay Calm and Consistent: Reacting with calmness and consistency can provide your children with a sense of stability. Try to avoid responding with anger, even when their behavior is difficult. Have a breathing technique you can use to help you avoid responding with anger and to help you calm down.
Here’s a simple example: When your child yells or throws a tantrum, take deep breaths and speak in a calm, even tone.
Your Response: “I see that you’re very upset right now. It’s okay to feel angry, but let’s talk about it calmly.”
2. Create a Safe Space: Ensure your home is a safe and comforting environment where they feel secure. This can help them decompress and feel more at ease.
Example: Designate a “calm corner” with soft pillows, books, and calming toys where your child can go to relax.
Or if it’s an older child, maybe simply have them go to their room to relax for a designated time before moving on to things that need to get done.
Response: “It looks like you need some time to yourself. Why don’t you spend a few minutes in the calm corner?” (or for an older child, in their room).
3. Encourage Open Communication: Let your children know that they can talk to you about their feelings. Encourage them to express their emotions and validate their experiences. They will feel this to the level you are able to express yourself in a healthy manner. When they do begin to open up to you, hold the space for them to express whatever they need to without judging them, being critical of them, or offering advice. Simply listen and validate their feelings.
Example: Your child comes home and slams their backpack down, refusing to talk.
Response: “I’ve noticed you’re upset. I’m here when you’re ready to talk about what’s bothering you.”
4. Establish Routines: Consistent routines can provide a sense of normalcy and security. Try to keep routines around meals, bedtime, and activities. This will be a huge help for your children as they are probably experiencing the exact opposite at the other parent’s home. Do not worry about this. You cannot control what happens at the other parent’s home as far as routines go (brushing teeth, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, etc.) Don’t waste your energy worrying about what is happening to their routine over there. Over time, your children will come to see the difference and appreciate it.
Example: After a visit with their dad, your child refuses to do their homework.
Response: “We always do homework after school. Let’s sit down together and get it done. Then we can do something fun.”
With this response, you may want to implement a “free time” when the kids get home to help decompress. I would do this with my kids and it became a part of their routine before sitting down to do any homework, activities, or chores. My kids had 30 minutes of free time to use as they pleased.
5. Model Respectful Behavior: Demonstrate respectful and kind behavior, even when they are being difficult. This shows them how to handle emotions and conflicts, especially, when they are most likely witnessing the other parent’s inability to control themselves and their emotions. Understand that even if your child needs discipline, it can be handed out in a firm, but respectful manner.
Example: Your child says, “I hate you!” in a moment of anger.
Response: “I understand you’re feeling very angry right now. It’s not okay to say hurtful things, but we can talk about what’s making you upset.”
Don’t force children to talk when they are upset if they do not want to. Allow them to cool off first. But, always come back to address the issue and teach them to speak respectfully.
6. Seek Professional Help: A therapist, (I recommend one experienced in dealing with children from abusive environments), can provide invaluable support and strategies. They can give you tools to implement and help you with managing your own emotions.
Example: If your child’s behavior becomes more than you can handle, consider involving a child therapist.
Response: “I think it would help us to talk to someone who can help us understand and manage these feelings better.”
7. Educate Them (Age-Appropriate): Teach your children about healthy relationships and boundaries in an age-appropriate way. This can empower them and help them understand their experiences.
Example: Use storybooks or activities to teach about emotions and healthy relationships.
Response: “Let’s read this book about feelings. “It can help us understand what to do when we feel angry or sad.”
Obviously, for older kids, you might want to share an age-appropriate book or an informative video on healthy boundaries and relationships. Always discuss together what you watched or read afterward.
**If things ever escalate, make sure your children are safe and then walk away for a minute. Let them know you will be back. Take 5 REALLY BIG, SLOW, DEEP BREATHS as you walk away. Go sit down for a second. Always preemptively de-escalate anything before it gets out of hand. Calm communication, even spoken firmly, is always going to show your children you are in control and that you care. They feel out of control and most likely are used to their other parent “losing control”. **
Let’s look at an example of a child’s behavior and how you could handle it using each of the 7 steps we just talked about.
Scenario:
Your child returns from their dad’s house and starts acting out by yelling, “You’re the worst mom ever! I want to go back to dad’s!”
Response:
1. Stay Calm and Consistent: Take a deep breath and keep your tone calm and steady. “I can see you’re very upset right now.”
2. Create a Safe Space: Gently suggest, “Would you like to sit in the calm corner for a bit?”
3. Encourage Open Communication: After some time has passed, try to talk. “When you’re ready, I’d like to hear about why you’re feeling this way.”
4. Establish Routines: Reinforce routines by saying, “Remember, it’s time to do our homework now. Let’s get it done together.”
5. Model Respectful Behavior: Respond respectfully, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to say hurtful things. Let’s find a better way to talk about your feelings.”
6. Seek Professional Help: If this behavior continues, consider saying, “It might help us to talk to a counselor who can help us understand and manage these feelings.”
7. Educate Them: Read a book about feelings together later. “Let’s read this story about a character who learns to express their feelings.” OR for older teens: Watch a YouTube video together. “I’d like to discuss with you what your thoughts are about this video and expressing our feelings.”
Conclusion
In conclusion, navigating these challenges is difficult, but with patience, consistency, and the right support, you can help your children cope and thrive. Remember, your love and stability provide a powerful foundation for their growth and healing.
