Why Should I Hire a Divorce Coach?
I have an attorney. Why should I also hire a Divorce Coach?
Won’t my attorney help me with every aspect of my high conflict divorce?
Don’t I just need an attorney for my high conflict divorce? Why would I need a high conflict divorce coach too?
These are good questions to ask. We first need to understand that there are 2 types of divorces out there:
1 – Your typical divorce where papers are signed by both parties amicably. Custody and the division of assets through mediation is straightforward and without a lot of drama. Both parties are willing to work together for the best outcome for their children and follow the finalized divorce decree plan. And typically they don’t ever even step into a court room.
2 – The difficult, High Conflict Divorce (HCD). This involves mental health issues by one of the parties and who has abused their spouse and children in one form or another. The mental health issues can include:
Narcissism / Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Anti-Social Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
Schizophrenia, etc.
To learn more about the personality disorders, read our blog here.
The High Conflict Divorce
The High Conflict Divorce may start out in mediation, but typically always ends up in court before a judge. Sadly, this can become a regular occurrence happening over and over again. Disordered individuals have no desire for a peaceful split with their spouse and children. Their goal is to get revenge on their spouse, to manipulate the system so their image is not damaged, and to use their children as pawns to get what they want. This is extremely hard on the children, but also the safe parent whose goal it is to protect their children and put the children’s best interests first.
It is very hard and overwhelming to know what to do to help family court professionals see who the real problem is. It takes a lot of strategic planning, coaching, and guidance from various professionals. And a High Conflict Divorce Coach is crucial to have on your team to prepare you for dealing with these difficult individuals in family court.
While they definitely have there place, an attorney and a therapist cannot truly prepare you to deal with the high conflict person in this type of divorce. Most simply don’t understand this type of individual and their tactics. Your attorney is not your therapist and you do not want to be emotional or distraught each time you meet with them. It can overwhelm them. Your therapist is also not your attorney and cannot help you with legal matters. They can be subpoenaed by the court as an expert witness testimony, but cannot and should not counsel you on your case.
A lot of us UNDERESTIMATE the specific help we need when going through a divorce with a high conflict individual and we OVERESTIMATE what an attorney can do for us with these unique cases.
Your Attorney’s Role
Getting a REALLY GOOD attorney is Key. Especially if you can find one who understands personality disorders and narcissism and is well educated on the complexities of domestic violence and child abuse. The truth is most attorneys are narcissists themselves as well as are a lot of the court professionals you will encounter, so they typically might not be as empathetic to your cause as you would like. Most are desensitized to abuse and domestic violence simply because they see it day in and day out.
Attorneys are not a sounding board for the emotional state of domestic violence victims and victims of narcissistic abuse. An attorney’s job is to look at the evidence presented before them and compile it in a way that helps their client present their case well before a judge and within the bounds of the law.
I see too many victims get upset with their attorney because they feel they are not listening to them and their complaints. It is often due to using the attorney as a therapist/coach. This can overwhelm an attorney and create a difficult environment for them to work on your case with you. Which can lead the attorney to spend as little energy and time as possible with you and your case. They may end up making decisions that are not in your best interest.
They are not therapists and it is not their job to handle your emotional state. You will want your attorney to be free from this so they can focus their energy on your case and preparing for court.
Your Therapist’s Role
A good therapist is also key for your psychological state of mind as it relates to the trauma you may have packed away from your abusive relationship. It will be crucial to your healing to get a therapist trained in trauma to guide you through your healing journey. The best option is a trauma therapist who is experienced and knowledgeable in narcissism, domestic violence, and personality disorders. But, it is not a therapists job to understand the legalities of your case either. Focus your therapy sessions on your personal growth and healing, not venting about the frustrations of your legal court case.
For Therapy Recommendations, see our resource page HERE.
So, What Can a High Conflict Divorce Coach Do for You?
A High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) is a nice cross-over between your attorney and your trauma therapist. The HCDC understands domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, post-separation abuse, personality disordered individuals, child custody and evaluations with disordered individuals. They know the step-by-step strategies it takes to go into family court with these High Conflict Individuals and succeed. HCDC’s also understand the emotional state you are in as a victim of abuse. They get how this can adversely affect your case, even losing custody over. They can also help with managing your mind through radical acceptance and coaching strategies. This can ultimately be the game changer in your case for good. An HCDC is your coach, your cheerleader, and your strategy partner. They often can save you thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees.
What Happens When You Enter the Family Court System Unprepared?
So many victims, have the mistaken idea that once they go into family court and share that their ex is a narcissist and has abused them, that the judge will believe them and automatically rule in their favor.
I so wish this was the case. But, sadly, it is not.
Judges do not know either of you. They are desensitized to abuse because they deal with difficult divorce cases day in and day out. To the judge, both parties appear to be part of the problem equally. So, judges typically order 50/50 custody, with the idea that even if one parent isn’t that great, at least the child has a 50% chance at a good life with the other parent. This can even happen where abuse is substantiated.
So many judges see deadbeat parents day in and day out. They are so tired of it. So, when an abuser comes before them and says, “Hey, I want to have my kids in my life”, a judge is ecstatic! They will often give this parent as much custody as possible.
Parental Alienation Allegations
Something else to be aware of is Parental Alienation allegations. Abusers will often use false claims of Parental Alienation against the safe parent who accuse them of abuse. They do this as a legal tactic to counter the abuse claims, even though the abuse did happen. This can be detrimental to your case. Once Parental Alienation claims have been made against you, it becomes nearly impossible to change a judges view of you.
Sometimes an abuser’s defense can argue compellingly enough that we’ve seen judges grant full custody to them. A judge often believes their arguments if the safe parent doesn’t present well in court and are overly emotional.
I know this is SO unfair, but it is the reality of family court. It is so important for those of you going through it to understand.
You HAVE to be prepared. You need to really grasp what you are going up against when you enter the courtroom with a narcissist or other personality disordered individual.
To Read More about what happens when False Claims of Parental Alienation are made, read my blog HERE.
The Conclusion
Building a strong team going into your high conflict divorce will give you the greatest chance of success. Your team should consist of a great attorney, a good trauma therapist, and a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach. Success comes, not only in court facing your abuser, but outside of court in your daily life with your children, your job, and moving on in the most healthy way possible. As a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach, I am now the person I wish I had when I was going through my own difficult divorce.
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