Understanding the 4 Main Personality Disorders in High Conflict Divorces.
The 4 Main Personality Disorders that make up the Cluster B’s.
This post is to help you recognize behaviors in your abusive partner. The goal here is not to “diagnose” your ex-spouse with a personality disorder. It is difficult for even psychological professionals to make such a diagnosis. See the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
Our goal here is to give you some basic information for you to begin seeing behavioral patterns. This is what is crucial to your divorce case, recognizing and documenting patterns of behavior. We want to give you as much knowledge as possible so you can plan your divorce strategically.
When navigating through the vulnerabilities of a high-conflict divorce, understanding the 4 Cluster B personality disorders can be paramount in recognizing potentially abusive behaviors and strategizing an effective approach to separation and divorce.
Cluster B personality disorders include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. Each disorder exhibits distinct patterns of behavior that are dramatic, emotional, or erratic. Individuals within this cluster display impulsive actions, emotional instability, and challenges in maintaining stable relationships. This can exacerbate the challenges of an already stressful divorce process. As you read through each of these, you will notice that there is some overlap.
Again, the point is to gather up all the information on the behaviors you find in your ex-spouse so you can begin to understand how to handle these behaviors and create a plan of strategy against them.
1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder often exhibit a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. They may appear highly self-centered or boastful, exaggerating achievements, and expecting to be recognized as superior. The NPD individual can also be covert wherein they will manipulate, lie, and coerce others in order to control them and to achieve their goals. They want to be seen and heard as the best and the “winner” of everything they touch.
So, narcissism is much more than arrogance or being highly selfish. It isn’t simply a set of behaviors that fit into a nice little box. Narcissism runs along a spectrum from benign (people who are simply annoying because everything revolves around them) to the covert as mentioned above, to the pathological, malignant narcissist (people who you find committing high crimes, including murder).
General Characteristics are:
1. Grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Lack of empathy for others
3. Need for excessive admiration
4. Belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment – ENTITLEMENT
5. Exploits others for their gain (Without Guilt or Shame)
6. Demeaning and Bullying
7. Blames others
8. Manipulative
9. Gaslights
10. Superficial Social Interactions
11. Unregulated Emotions, Especially when things don’t go the way they expect them too – Anger / Rage
12. Unreasonable Expectations
13. Belief that others envy themselves – Excessive Need for & Fantasizes about Power, Control, & Beauty.
In a divorce context, a narcissistic partner may refuse to acknowledge the needs or feelings of others, insist on having the best of everything (such as the best lawyer or the best share of assets), or manipulate the legal process to maintain a sense of control and superiority. The abuse you have continued to be subject to by them is referred to as Post Separation Abuse and can sometimes be more devastating than the abuse suffered during the marriage.
Here’s an example of being in a relationship with a Narcissist:
The narcissist crosses boundaries with little remorse, such as by having extramarital affairs or spending savings without asking.
You may find commonalities between NPD and the other three personality disorders, but the difference is where the behaviors are originating from. In NPD, an individual’s extreme and toxic behavior is derived from insecurity and the need for others to validate and admire them. Whereas, in Antisocial PD (for example), they are not insecure, but feel superior to all others and entitled to whatever they want. ASPD individuals will use and exploit others for their own personal gain with no regard for how their actions harm their victims. They do not FEEL or get how their actions hurt others, nor do they care.
With the NPD individual, they know that what they’re doing is wrong and will feel remorse for their behavior only to the point that they were “found out”. They will feel extreme shame and will try to shove it away by blaming others and raging about it.
2. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotions, as well as marked impulsivity. They are severely impacted with the inability to manage their emotions. Individuals with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger/rage, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days. They may have difficulty maintaining consistent attitudes towards others, swinging from intense closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation). During a divorce, they might rapidly change their opinions about settlement, custody, or other important matters, complicating negotiations and decision-making.
The following are General Characteristics used to diagnosis someone as having Borderline Personality Disorder. At least 5 of these must present to get the diagnosis.
*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
3. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)
In the DSM-5, there are no diagnoses for Psychopathy or Sociopathy. Instead, the DSM-5 refers to these as the Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Pervasive patterns of disregard for and violation of the rights of others is the Antisocial Personality Disorder. This can include deceitfulness, repeated illegal behaviors, impulsivity, irritability and aggression, reckless disregard for the safety of self or others, consistent irresponsibility, and lack of remorse after harming others.
In the throes of a divorce, individuals with ASPD may lie or manipulate the legal system to their advantage. They will show disregard for court orders, or attempt to intimidate their spouse into conceding to their demands.
A diagnosis can only be made if the person is aged 18 years or older and at least 3 of the following criteria behaviours apply:
1. Repeatedly breaking the law.
2. Repeatedly being deceitful.
3. Being impulsive or incapable of planning ahead.
4. Being irritable and aggressive. Unable to control their anger.
5. Having a reckless disregard for their safety or the safety of others.
6. Being consistently irresponsible and show disregard for normal social behavior.
7. Lack of remorse / guilt and do not learn from their mistakes.
8. Have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships.
9. Exploit, manipulate, or violate the rights of others.
10. Blame others for problems in their lives.
4. Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)
Histrionic Personality Disorder manifests as excessive emotionality and attention-seeking. Such individuals may feel uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention. They may use their physical appearance to draw attention to themselves, due to an extreme concern over how they look. And, they may often show emotional expression that seems shallow or exaggerated.
Throughout the divorce process, someone with HPD might dramatize situations to elicit sympathy or manipulate outcomes. This can make objective communication difficult.
1. Easily influenced
2. Discomfort at a lack of attention
3. Seductive behavior
4, Shift emotions rapidly
5. Dramatic or exaggerated emotions
6. Uses appearance to draw attention
7. Vague speech
8. Excessive attention-seeking
9. Misinterpreted relationships
10. Constantly seek reassurance or approval
11. Erratic
In Conclusion
Recognizing these behaviors in a high-conflict divorce is crucial for several reasons. First, it can assist in personal emotional management. Understanding the 4 personality disorders and the challenging behaviors can sometimes help in depersonalizing the conflict. Second, it can inform the legal strategy used by you and your attorney. By preempting potential manipulative or aggressive tactics, you can craft a more robust response and maintain the upper hand.
Remember, it is important to engage with mental health professionals and the high conflict divorce coach when dealing with personality disorders. We can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and support for those of you looking to navigate the treacherous waters of divorcing an abusive partner with one of the 4 Cluster B personality disorders. It is not something to take on alone and unprepared. Sadly, many before us have tried and only a small few have succeeded but at great cost. A lot of us have failed miserably and to the detriment of the safety and custody of our children.
This is not to say there is no hope. Where our children are involved, there must always be hope. We have to find it, create it, & seek it out. The hope lies in never giving up the fight for our safety and the safety of our children. The loving, stable, healthy relationships we develop with our children creates the hope we long for. So, as long as we do our best in this area, we have already won.
